In defense of casual gay sex... - Brian Gerald Murphy

In defense of casual gay sex…

I get messages from guys pretty regularly asking some variation of “is it ok to have casual sex?” “I really like hooking up, is that ok?” “I have sex with my friends, is that normal?” Not only do I think casual sex among gay guys is a common and OK thing … in my experience, hooking up with friends or kinky play partners or long distance lovers … anyone you’re not in a relationship with, can be a really fun and fulfilling experience.

People are having sex. And a lot of times, that sex isn’t happening in a marriage or even a relationship. And that’s okay.

Sometimes, you just wanna bone or are feeling a little slutty.

And sometimes, hooking up with your friends that you’re not dating can be a really cool expression of your friend relationship.

In the past, gay guys have been pretty stellar at the casual sex thing. As gay marriage becomes more popular, let’s not lose sight of that or get shamed into changing our ways. The ways in which gay guys relate to sex has something valuable to teach everyone.

While it might seem like casual sex is an invention of the new millennium, it’s been going on for ages. Of course, the Greeks and the ancient Romans were big fans of the sex, and even here in America, it’s been going on for quite awhile. Back in 1957, journalist Norah Johnson was bemoaning the ills of casual sex in an article for The Atlantic.

Unfortunately, most studies on sex are about college students because they’re an easy and cheap captive audience. In order to get data about the rest of us, we have to go to less academic studies. When OKCupid surveyed its user base, it found that between 10.3 and 15.5% of users were looking for casual sex rather than a relationship. A 2014, a British sex survey conducted by The Guardian found that half of all respondents reported that they had engaged in a one-night stand with gays being a little bit higher than the straights. And a fifth of the people said they’d slept with someone whose name they did not know.

Casual sex and hooking up just for fun have been an important part of my life. And the friendships that have come out of casual sex have been meaningful to me, and sometimes, even just a one-night stand has been meaningful to me. But even if it’s not super meaningful to you, it can still just be fun and just being fun is important also.

Now, it’s not always good. Sometimes the sex is bad, sometimes the person’s awkward. Sometimes I’m uncomfortable. One time I got an STD. But the times that it’s been less than stellar are far outweighed by the times that it’s been great and fun and fulfilling.

I would not trade casual sex for the world.

I’ve met almost all of my friends through casual sex. Some through Grindr, some through Adam4Adam, a few through Recon. Sometimes I meet the hookups of the guys that I’ve hooked up and become friends with them that way.

If you got us all together and plotted out all of our connections The L Word style, you would find that almost all of us are connected through sex in some way. Sometimes, hookups or casual sex don’t turn in to relationships or friendships. And that’s okay, too.

There’s this guy back in New York that I was hooking up with on the reg for two years and we never went on a date, we never hung out as friends, it was just hooking up, but it was a lot of fun and he means a lot to me. And there’s been a handful of guys that I’ve only ever met up with once, but I still had a lot of fun with and who I remember fondly, even if I can’t always remember their names.

There is something profound about seeing someone and all of their weird and complicated desires, about the vulnerability of getting naked together, about the care that goes into making each other feel good, about the intimacy that comes with exploring your bodies together.

Sex is messy and fun and silly and sacred and it can be all of those things with your husband of 10 years or with a guy that you met in line while waiting for the bathroom at the Boiler Room.

Not that I’ve ever done that.

What about you? Would you be willing to share a casual hookup that was meaningful to you? Let us know in the comments over on YouTube.