What to Look for in a boyfriend: Gay Edition

When you’re looking for a boyfriend, what do you look for?

Tall? 

Scruffy?

A strong jawline?

Muscular?

Or maybe a bear. Or a daddy. Or someone making six-figures. Or an activist. Or an artist.

If you’ve got some idea of your perfect man in your head, you’re not alone. But how do you know if the man in front of you (or, let’s be honest, they’re you’re gonna swipe left or right on) is Mr. Right?

So, what should you be looking for in a boyfriend?

First up: physical attraction is real and a key component. Let’s not ignore it. I’m going to make a video about the biases we bring to our ideas of who is attractive later, subscribe to make sure you see it.

What do you want out of a relationship? 

If you’re looking for it to last a long time and to build a life together…

Attraction is going to evolve.

You very well might be more attracted to your partner over time, so don’t write someone off too soon. 

And looks change, so don’t grow too attached to that — especially if it’s the thing you’re most into! That’s a red flag

The most important things are 

  • How do you feel together?
  • Are you able to handle conflict productively?
  • Do you share a common vision?

Underneath all of that is: are your values aligned? 

Does your best version of yourself align with and support his best version of himself? Does he support you in becoming the best version of yourself?

This doesn’t mean that you need to be the same religion — or both be atheists — or whatever — but rather how you see and move through the world is so fundamental to who you are and who you will be over the years and decades that you need to fit with your person.

If you fundamentally don’t value the same things, you’re setting yourself up for endless conflict that no amount of money or status or good sex will be able to soothe over

Since we’re talking about values: what are YOUR values? Not what are you looking for in a partner, but what is important to YOU and how you live your life? 

To answer that, it’s important to clear on the difference between a value and “an idea of what you want in a boyfriend”

Values are the deeply held ideas that guide your life and your decisions. Your actions — such as how you respond to conflict, what type of career you pursue, and the decisions you make sexually — all flow from your values. It makes sense that your choice of partner would be informed by them too

Some examples of values are

  • Loyalty
  • Commitment
  • Authenticity
  • Efficiency
  • Justice
  • Autonomy
  • Cooperation
  • Power
  • Honesty
  • Consistency
  • Spontaneity 
  • Generosity 
  • Passion
  • Patriotism
  • Humanitarianism 
  • Courage

Your values are going to be unique to you. When you get clear on YOUR values, it will be easier to let go of superficial ideas about a perfect fantasy boyfriend you may have, figure out what’s nice to have vs what’s must have, and be secure in knowing your deal-breakers.

Finding a boyfriend is just the beginning though!

Once you make it official with your new boyfriend, you’ll want to make sure that you have — and keep — a healthy relationship. Here is an article and video with 6 signs of a healthy gay relationship.

Want to get those each week (plus some occasional, more private thoughts on sex & relationships)? I’d love to keep in touch. Drop your email address below and I’ll keep you in the loop!

P.S. hit reply to any email from me to start a conversation!

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