What if I don’t want to be this way?

Has it been 30 days? Thank you for joining me on this journey through Tough Questions on the path to acceptance. The practice of repsonding to a prompt every day has been deeply beneficial to me, as I’ve dug into questions that are easier to let slide past. And I’ve been moved and blessed by the outpouring of responses I received in response. Your stories are beautiful and powerful.

The last question hits the nail right on the head: What if I don’t want to be this way?

Whether it’s because of religion, or family, or societal pressure, or some internalized discomfort… what if I just don’t want to be this way?

Over the years of coming to terms with myself and coming out, I’ve wondered “Is this what I want?” I often don’t have an answer.

There is a part of me that sometimes doesn’t want to be this way: it would be “easier” to marry a woman, to have kids and a family with her, to fit in at work, to stay at the church I went to growing up. I would never have to worry about whether the taunts on the street would turn into physical violence.

But when I sit alone with myself, I don’t ever feel like who I am is wrong.

I think “am I supposed to think this is wrong?” or “what if this isn’t God’s plan for my life?” or “will I be able to thrive?” but I don’t ever think “this is wrong.” That’s been my experience, at least.

A Philadelphia pastor put it bluntly at a rally in Love Park last year: When society starts treating gay people equally and with dignity, then we can talk about whether or not someone wants or doesn’t want to be gay. It is near impossible to separate out a lifetime of discrimination from the question.

Take a look.

And so I strive for a more just world. A world in which no one ever has to question whether it is OK to be exactly the person that they are. Thank you for asking and responding to Tough Questions with me. Tomorrow, the journey toward justice continues.

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